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Monday, December 3, 2007

Cilantro Lovers are Morons

At the risk of offending, oh, say, 97% of my THOUSANDs of loyal readers, I'll go ahead and say it: there seems to be a strong link between the love of cilantro and the display of moron-like characteristics, where moron will here be defined, as any self-respecting user of the English language would define it, as the American Heritage Dictionary does, as

"NOUN:1. A stupid person; a dolt. 2. Psychology A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive. ETYMOLOGY: From Greek mron, neuter of mros, stupid, foolish."

I prefer the second definition, but far be it from me to use archaic or, even worse, offensive denotations; the first has a nice, curt, to-the-point, so easy even a moron could understand it meaning, and given my audience, well... Yes, I quite like "a dolt."

Right, so, to the point, what makes these herb-lovers morons? Exhibit A (there will only be one exhibit in today's post -- I'll build this case over time), is taken from an I Hate Discussion Board and goes like this:

"Okay, I heard about this website from a friend and doubted it's existince, but upon visiting the page I not only found out it's real, I realized you "Anti-cilantro" people are insane.

First, off cilantro was not spawed from satan's stomach, and angel's did not trick us into liking it. Come on would angels trick us, that sounds like something the devil would do right so the human race gets brain washed into following the devil.

Second, it's not something to get majorly offended by, like not being friends with someone because the served you cilantro, or being really picky at resturants because god you might eat some in pasta sauce.

Lastly, why pick on cilantro? Why not hate on foods like cod liver oil or limburger cheese? Foods that are actually offensive to the senses. Cilantro is not gross enough to merit an entire website and Haikus about it. It's like orange juice I don't LOVE, but don't hate it. I wouldn't go across the world to bet some, but if I had some I would use it.

Ok. Let's leave spelling and grammatical errors alone. I'll leave that to whomever is running the "I hate the rampant depletion of grammatical, spelling and self-copy editing standards in cyber English publication" blog. The larger issue here is that this cilantro lover is arguing the wrong point with the wrong logic.

1. While I don't see any convincing evidence from Cilantro Lover, heretofore Moron, that cilantro wasn't spawned from Satan's stomach, its origin is hardly the point. I also don't see a lot of cilantro haters citing Satan's patriarchy as the cause for their hate, indeed we tend to be a fairly agnostic bunch, although it wouldn't be a terrible hypothesis, I suppose.

2. I. I'll thank you not to tell me what to get offended by. II. Any friend that would deliberately serve me something I hate, all things being equal, might deserve a reevaluation. That said, I don't think too many friendships are lost on this issue. Cilantro haters, at least, are reasonable people. III. Please see "Basil is NOT Cilantro" Post. Cilantro is not found in pasta sauce. You obviously don't understand this problem properly; you need to work on your empathy skills.

3. Why pick on cilantro? Why not hate other foods? I don't know where to begin. Would anyone choose to hate cilantro. It's not fun, it's not an easy lot in life. It's a burden. It's an annoyance. It's a cross to bare. But, we're a strong people and we survive. We blame no one but cilantro itself. And why not hate others foods? One's enough for me thanks. You don't like orange juice, well, that's just messed up. doesn't even exist, man -- for a reason -- it rules. But, you don't have to like orange juice. I just find flaw in the the logic that because you don't like orange juice I should like cilantro. But, Moron, you just wouldn't understand.

Finally, when you say "cilantro isn't gross enough" you're missing the idea of subjective palates. It's not gross at all to you, but it is very much gross at all to me, and thousands like me. Mine is not an evangelical mission, as I have made clear in the past, but an effort to explain, to enlighten, to edify. And you represent a growing group of cilantro lovers or, a largely marginalized group of cilantro indifferenters, who seeks not to understand cilantro hate but to condemn and chastise it. You're fighting a losing and worthless battle. Hating Cilantro is a solitary battle, united as we may be, each hater has to ultimately confront his/her hate on his/her own. You don't know what you have, Moron. You just don't see.


spicymcpants said...

Yeah, cilantro sucks...coriander on the other hand...that shit's delicious!

Erin Hollingsworth said...

Ok. Spicymcpants. Thing is they're the same thing (where coriander in the US more often refers to the seed that does not taste like the plant, but in other countries, especially, coriander is also used to refer to the plant, cilantro), so, I'm wondering if you're being ironic or a moron. Please advise.

Rachel said...

I absolutely agree! I do not CHOOSE to perceive the taste of cilatro as something disgusting. I don't "hate the existance of cilantro as a cooking ingredient" I just hate the fact that it is in so many things that I therefore can not enjoy, and it it taken for granted that you will love it. It's not like you can order food "with or without cilantro". You can't see a green asterisk saying 'contains cilantro' the way you see warning if something is spicy.

Jordan said...

Moron- Noun- 4. The author of this website, irrefutably someone who has too much time on his/her hands and should masturbate more often so the general populous has less "idiocracy" to deal with.

-Chef Rose

Anonymous said...

this is the best website in the history of the world. cilantro is a bane upon the culinary world. it should be clear to anyone that the seed is the edible part of the coriander plant, not the nasty leaves.

Antony said...

For us cilantro haters, it's a genetic battle. Just like much of the population can taste the bitterness of phenylthiocarbamide due to genetics, so can we taste the soapiness of cilantro. Yes, sir, I would like the duck confit, hold the palmolive. Give us a break, chefs, leave out the cilantro. There are hundreds of alternatives. Cilantro isn't the key to new-age trendiness.